Tuesday, January 23, 2018


Everyday it seems there is something new that I realize brings me anxiety. This process of declaring and deciding and knowing that anxiety is what I ought to call a large number of my thoughts, it haunts me. Knowing that I have anxiety, causes anxiety; it is a bittersweet style of irony. I recently found out that I like a person. She is a really great person, but I would have much rather remained oblivious to the fact that I indeed did like her. Even worse, she likes me, though I am unable to fully convince myself of that fact.
I don’t know why life has to be the way it does sometimes. It feels like out of sure cruelty it sends you into an almost familiar situation with an entirely new set of tools. Last time I had to build a house I was given a yo-yo two packs of gum and a pule of rusty broken off nails. Building this new house it gives me a hammer the same pile of broken nails, though not as rusty, and a few boards. Brand new tools that I have no idea how to build a house out of.
The first time I taught myself to build this house
Now though Life is forcing me to relearn what I already know, give me my yo-yo back.
My anxiety, I started to write that, then deleted it, then wrote this sentence. I struggle to even self-label what seems clearly to be anxiety. When I was young I could hardly muster the necessary courage to ask for a few more ketchup packets from the person behind the Wendys counter. My dad would get angry at me for not being able to do such a simple thing. To me it was a simple thing to no longer need ketchup. It was simply, much easier to finish my fries without the requisite ketchup.
Tangents, are one of my favorite writing tools. Tangents allow me to continue to write without addressing my own questions that I have already posed.
My anxiety controls my life with this person I like. See at my job I get the unfortunate opportunity to spend my days not thinking about my job, and have little else to occupy my thoughts other than the occasional new song on the radio. With the radio blaring and machines chirping, burring, and chopping My brain likes to ask what I thought of her arm moving 15 degrees in the wrong direction. Well of course, I didn’t like it, though I doubt she knows she even did it, though I doubt it matters if she knows, in fact if she doesn’t know that proves more because the subconscious never lies, though if she did know.
Sometimes I remember to breathe.

Lifeboats of human interaction from my coworkers, new work being brought out, my boss seeing where I am at with my current work, these are the things that help draw me back to reality sometimes. 

Monday, December 5, 2016

A thought

I had a few thoughts today. I thought to share them. Questions of why, questions of how, questions of me? All in all they equated to one thought towards the evening. In my typical thinking time, known as my after work shower. My thoughts rested on the idea of discipline. What is discipline, and how do we learn it in old age.
Discipline is doing the things that you say to yourself you are going to do. At least that is my understanding, and it will be the one in which I use for the duration of this thought. This thought of why do I consistently ignore what I should, and want to do in favor of what I shouldn't and don't want to do? Why do I irrestrainably interact with my environment. I often, it occurs to me, leave my desired course of action for one lesser. Why do I do this? What is the root cause of my issues? Such a simple idea of doing what you want to do, yet such a difficult thing.
I have ambitions, I have dreams, I have desires, hopes, wants, wishes, goals, destinations, potential. Yet I lack.
Such a dirty word in reality. It speaks of something that has yet to exist, but could possibly. It is the naughtiest word one could ever tell their child. Child you have potential. Read as; You are destined for great things, therefore if you work the same as everyone else you will achieve them. In the mind of a child, everyone is an equal, and when a child is given potential, now they are suddenly going to be better? Excuse my run on sentences. Potential speaks to a part of the brain that for me at least leaves me lacking. I would have benefited more for being praised for hard work. For being praised on my actions, and not my innate abilities.
You are tall, therefore you should play basketball. Unfortunately this kid was always taller than everyone else and never had to work to be good at basketball, and subsequently never worked at it. College tryouts, and open gyms came. He was shorter than everyone else on the field, he was getting trampled, his shot percentages were horrid, and the other tall basketball players kept stuffing him. He still had potential, but he had wasted the time he could've used gaining that potential, by simply utilizing its precursory benefits.
I hope that this makes sense, have a good one.

Thursday, December 1, 2016


Slowly the world wanders
wondering whether or not we really are here
whether we exist
whether they exist

We all ignore our realities
we all ask the simple questions
we all concede the "obvious"

But is it really obvious?

Those who ponder
see the world in a new light
searching seeking
listening learning
braving believing
creating confounding

ponder we the learners begin to know
we seek and we are given the gift of light
we ask
and we learn
we speak
and we observe

The world wasn't meant for people to be passive
The world wasn't meant for everyone to ignore them
Animals are passive and ignorant

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

daily thought

Walking the street
eyes on my feet
nowhere to go
nowhere to see

Thinking of life
oh what a rife
what is this show
my internal strife

casting my eyes
thrown like the die
straight like the crow
silent I cry

often I feel like
there's nowhere
No place
for me to be

but I just keep on moving
keep on dreaming
and someday I will be